Day 3 of 365 days of being thankful

  I am grateful that I had my daughter Amy for almost 19 years.  No one ever thinks they can bury a child and survive.  The worst thing is that we do survive and have to go on living the rest of our lives.  I think that I identify myself mostly as a bereaved mom. Burying a child, a healthy child, is heartbreaking and it never gets better.  With any life, there is hope, with death, there is emptiness, darkness, sorrow, a broken heart, an all consuming grief,  and something a parent will never get over.

 My daughter Amy Marie was almost 19 when she died. She died from medical malpractice at the hands of Dr. Richard Glunk.  If anyone reading this blog wants to know more about how Amy died, just google Amy Marie Fledderman and you will find hundreds of stories about what happened to her.  Amy had just completed her freshman year at Penn State University.  She was bright, articulate, sweet, kind and beautiful. Amy was the daughter that everyone wanted to have. She was a gifted and talented musician, equestrian and athlete. Amy is so missed. Every time that I look at her photo, I want to scream.  The pain is never ending and cuts to the core of a parent's soul. I am trying to be positive writing this blog and let me just say that I am so thankful for the gift of my daughter Amy. She was truly one in a hundred billion.

Today a psychic called me.  Apparently I have been on the waiting list for two years.  I don't remember her name, even.  I chose to decline the $185 dollar reading. It is just too much money and too far away.   I am going to see a psychic that my friend Jill, another bereaved mom, told me about. I don't really believe but I don't want to pass up any opportunity to connect with Amy. This psychic is a little over one hundred dollars for the reading,  She is local and I have an appointment on March 26th, which is my sister's birthday.  She made the appointment for me, she thinks it's a sign because it is scheduled on her birthday! Me, not so much a believer in that stuff.  I keep hoping it's true but I am very skeptical about it.  I keep saying that I need a written note hand delivered by Amy to be  a believer! Most of my bereaved mom friends believe in psychics, I sort of wish I could believe the way they do.  So I will post the good, bad and ugly about my March reading after it happens.  Dan is more of a believer than I am. A few years after Amy died, he was at the cemetery.  It was near his birthday and he watched a piece of paper blow across the cemetery and land on Amy's grave. It was the inside of a Birthday card! He thinks it was from Amy.  I just think it was something blown from someone else's grave.  After Amy died, her best friend Kristen at PSU sent me a picture that Amy had sent to her. It was a photo that Amy had taken of herself and had sent to Kristen.  It was all in white light. Amy said to Kristin, "look, it's an angel."  It was a photo in white light with angel wings.  I wonder if that meant anything? Bereaved parents always wonder about their deceased children.  Most of my friends believe that their children are safe and happy in heaven with God. Some days I believe that, and some days I believe that Amy is dead and gone forever. When I am at church, I feel that Amy is in Heaven but then I leave church and think ..How could it be? I am trying to make sense out of something that isn't logical. But I am hopeful that she is in Heaven with God.